Coming home

Today I flew from Bangkok to Heathrow. To be safe I left a 3 hour gap between my two flights... but as sod's law has it, the flight was delayed by 4 (typical!). After patiently waiting/sleeping on the freezing cold metal chairs in Bangkok airport, the plane finally arrived and we consequently arrived into Heathrow with just one hour to go before my Manchester connection. Collecting bags took the first 20 minutes. Running from terminal 4 to 1 only took the next 20 (try doing that with 25 kilograms on your back, I challenge you), and checking in with the wrong airline took another 10. Finally, with 10 minutes to go, I jump the check-in queue in front of the angriest looking woman I have ever seen (made even more scary as my queue jumping was the sole reason for her anger). The check-in lady explains that I'll never make the plane in time. I tell her I can run very fast. She says ok... and boy did I run. Getting on that plane, after worrying about it throughout the whole previous 12-hour stint, the biggest smile was just stuck to my face, less than 45 minutes before I would finally be home to Lizzie after 6 months on the road.

Thailand

I'm always amazed by Asian culture. They're always ahead of the curve, yet they differ so significantly from the western world. Bangkok is set up for tourism 100%. As I take my first taxi from the airport to my hostel I spend half the journey convincing my driver that I didn't want a girl for the night, let alone a wife. Although I must admit... I was surprised how affordable a wife could be...

Fernando is my mum's second cousin and son of Rita and Ernesto. Last time I bumped into him he was in Tokyo. He is now doing a PHD researching the conflict in Burma/Myanmar. Unfortunately the authorities quickly deported him when they heard of his research, so he now lives on the Thailand-Burma border, interviewing people as they cross the line. Fortunately for me it meant I had a very well-informed tour guide for this bustling, intricate city.

Two of my main forms of transport were the riverboat, which is a fantastic opportunity to see many of the marvellously decorated temples and buildings from their best side, and the sky train. The sky train is a city-wide monorail that amusingly, as well as the usual signs, also has seats labelled: “Please give up for a monk.” The third most popular form of a transport is the tuktuk (pronounced took-took). They are small 3-wheeled taxis famously cheap, but for one reason only. The reason being that you will never ever be allowed to get to your destination before you have been to that driver's particular sponsor, usually a tailor who will have you measured and fitted before you've had the opportunity to think. Good thing or bad, I was actually quite quickly convinced, and before the end of the week walked away with two perfect-fitting cashmere suits, two tailor-made shirts and four (unfortunately less stylish) neck ties for a mere £170. Unfortunately I have since then regained the 10kg I lost while travelling, but at the time a definite bargain by anyone's maths.

When asking for suggestions from fellow travellers before getting to Bangkok, they had often told me that a thai massage was unmissable to help you relax on your holiday. So when my hostel recommended one two stops away I had to embrace the opportunity.

The attendant showed me in, taking me through a warmly lit corridor decorated with sculptures and fabrics, to a changing room where I was asked to change into some loose-hanging generic pyjamas. Next I was led to a comfortable, dimly-lit room covered in cushions and divided from other rooms only by sets of long hanging maroon drapes.

Eventually the masseuse came in and asked me to lie down on a mattress, before putting me through one of the most painful experiences of my life (definitely the most painful one I've paid for). She pushed her thumbs and fingers into all my muscles and bent and stretched my body in every unimaginable way. It was more like lots of strong pinches than a massage. It felt like it lasted hours, and all the way through I just hoped that the next bit would be better. Neddless to say, I never went back.

The evening was better. It was the King of Thailand's birthday. Apparently everybody loves the king. So much so that every monday pretty much everyone wears yellow in his honour. Once he was seen on tv with a pink shirt, so the following day everyone had pink. There are even 2 minute tv adverts, ending in the tagline: "We love the king." So naturally, today there was a firework show above his palace. It turned out that Fernando had two good friends, BA flight attendants, who had bought a gorgeous penthouse suite overlooking the river and conveniently also the King's palace. They cooked us homemade noodles and beef stroganof which we hungrily devoured.

The next day I did the tourist thing and took an organised daytrip out of Bangkok. Our first destination was known as the floating market. It was a market on the river. Our group of American families and I got into a few long river boats which then punted slowly through the centre of the village. The riverbank was one stall after another selling everything from fruits and sweets, to handbags, pictureframes and jewelry. Everything was beautifully handmade and after you've bartered at least 50% off the starting price, it was all very cheap as well. I bought a lot of presents here.

The rest of the day was various shows and activities including an elephant ride, a diamond museum and a cobra and aligator show. My favourite however was the elephant parade. This was a fantastic show involving very well-trained elephants. The first half was a dramatic war with the elephants raging into battle carrying colourfully armoured warriours who were angrily wielding swords and spears. But the second half had me in tears with laughter as these cheeky-looking elephants came running into the stadium each dressed as a different country's star football player. A giant football then came bouncing in as a hilarious football match commenced. This ended in a penalty shootout with each elephant having their own unique celebration after they kicked the ball into the back of the net. This usually involved some variant on standing on two legs and swinging their trunk.

The last couple of days I was joined by my friend John, who was on his way to Australia but had stopped by in Thailand to catch up with me. We did some exploring and shopping, but mainly it was just really nice to catch up and reminisce about home. But one very memorable thing we did manage to attend was Thai boxing.

This was brilliant. Lots of very short, very fast fights. All the contestants were boys rather than men, but very vicious nonetheless. Before each fight they would both enter the ring dressed with flower chains hanging around their necks and would spend the first five minutes praying on the floor and performing sometimes very amusing dances while screaching. All very strange. After this they collided gloves and a battle of short-sharp kicks and punches would commence until the judges selected a winner.

Australia

Australia has got to be one of the most popular holiday destinations in the world. Thousands of British travellers visit and work there each year. It has a wealth of culture, arts and music, event-filled tourist routes, and of course the Great Barrier Reef. Did I see any of this – the plain answer is 'no'. I did meet up with a friend, Ged, who showed me the magnificent Sydney Opera House as well as the lively night-life the city has to offer. But the truth was I was completely touristed-out.

I only had 7 days in Australia and had no desire to be speeding about trying to tick off as many must-sees as possible. Instead I made a conscious decision not to see anything at all, but instead spend the whole week doing what you can't do back home. I went to surf camp!

Every few days we moved up the east coast, eventually ending in Byron Bay. My first stop was an exclusive beach location owned by the Mojo Surf company next to a tiny little village named Woolgoolga. Every morning started at 8 when we woke up to freshly baked bread and cereal. We then carried our boards down to the beach where we spent the first half hour practicing leaping from our bellies onto our feet by effectively doing “The Worm”. A very difficult manoeuvre, but essential if you wanted to stand a chance of reacting fast enough to catch the big waves.

We then hit the water. Surfing has got to be one of the most exhilarating sports I have ever tried, and I understood instantly how people could spend their whole life doing it. It is also absolutely exhausting. Especially in the learning stage when you spend 8 hours a day paddling as hard as you can to catch a wave, then leap onto your board, hold your balance for up to 20 seconds, before falling hard like a rock into the rushing water again. By the time you've finally regained your composure you've been dragged all the way back into the beach again. So you gracefully pick up your board again and sprint frantically back out to sea. This process repeats itself again and again until you ache all over and can no longer lift your own arms to paddle. And then it's time for lunch.

Lunch and dinner was great. The guys at Mojo Surf knew exactly what you needed: mountains of high-carb foods. We lived mainly off pasta, risotto and BBQ's, but nothing was more ideal after a whole morning and afternoon of frantic surfing attempts.

Then came the evenings. With several Mojo buses running surfers up and down the east coast of Australia there would always be at least one or two bus loads of people arriving into the camp every evening. These people came expecting a party, and that's exactly what they got. Just as dinner was finished and the newcomers arrived, case loads of beers would be brought out and the drinking games would begin. Then at 21:30 when the party is well under way it officially becomes “quiet time” in the camping site so the whole party moves down to the beach. Here a bonfire, the warm sea and a wheelbarrow-carried stereo system provide the atmosphere for the rest of the night. Before you know it everybody's dancing, half the people have stripped down and are swimming in the sea, and “Chef” is running around “tea-bagging” unexpecting strangers. Then before you realise it another dawn begins and it all starts all over again.

It all went great up until the last two days in Byron Bay when exhaustion, sleep deprivation and drinking finally caught up with me. The final strike was meeting Alex, the Credit Suisse prop. Trader. He was on a two-week break and had money to burn. By 10-o-clock he'd already bought us our third bottle of champagne, so I bought him a hot dog as a thank you. Had I known at that time the pain my head would feel the following morning, a thank you would have been the last thing on my mind.

That morning, had I listened to my body, I might have had a completely different story to tell, but I'd already paid for my surf lessons for that day, so I dragged my sorry backside out of bed and onto the Mojo bus. By the time I got back to the hostel my hangover had been replaced by heatstroke and nausea and I spent the next 24 hours with my head over a bucket. Nothing but good memories.

Rangitata

Today was the last proper day spent in New Zealand. The night before was the last time I'd see Paul, Stevi and Jess who had all stayed the extra night in Queenstown. But today I met the Kiwi Experience girls (two Brits: Lucy and Nadine, and two Danes: Rekke and Henriette) who were also here in Rangitata to experience one of only two level 5 rafting trips in the country. As it turned out it was actually quite relaxing: a nice sunny day with some gentle paddling. You could even drink the water and it tasted so fresh. We did manage to flip the boat once, but the water was comfortably warm. Later that evening we arrived in Christchurch, and I flew out the next day.

River surfing

The following day I was tired and I had a headache. It was also the day I had planned to do one of the most ludicrous sports ever invented. Take white-water-rafting but replace the raft with a boogie-board; and now you have an image of what I was was about to undertake with less than two hours sleep and a hangover.

You basically wear a helmet on your head, flippers on your feet, life vest round your waist and hold a plastic boogie board in your hands. You then dive into some very cold, very fast running river rapids and try to hold onto your board until the end.

What was brilliant was that we were actually taught some flash little tricks as we went along. For example, if you hit an oncoming wave you are often thrown into the air and you can, if timed right, do a corkscrew in the air. Some others are if you get caught in a whirlpool, of which there are plenty, just point your board vertically up and you will be twisted rapidly downwards, like being sucked down a plughole, but will emerge back up again after just a few seconds. However my favourite, which was also the most difficult and rare to find, is when water comes from two directions and where they meet a rift is formed. Approaching this rift from the right angle you can push your board down under the water so it is in parallel with your body. As you hit the rift, the water will then pull the board down and you under with it and you can smoothly follow this underwater stream for in theory quite a distance. I was less successful...

Queenstown

The most famous tourist town in New Zealand is Queenstown. You can do absolutely anything here, from canyon swinging and paragliding, to sky diving and caving. It is apparently the only place in the country where you can't claim job-seekers allowance, as there are so many opportunities to work, the authorities will apparently just laugh at you were you to try to claim. In contrast though, it is a very expensive place to live and unskilled jobs are paid very poorly.

Our first day was very amusing, but one of the biggest wastes of money I have ever taken part in. It was the Lord of the Rings tour. Lukas and I were the only two from our bus foolish enough to shell out the 80 or so New Zealand dollars (~£30) for the half day trip, and unfortunately when we turned up we realised we were evidently also the only two in Queenstown foolish enough. The tour involved driving to a number of different sites that had at some point been used to film a scene from the popular trilogy. Example quotes from our guide include: “As you can see by the shape of their tails, these horses were some of the horses from the movie,” and “So this is part of a wood that is clearly almost certainly where they might have filmed the scene where Boromere is killed.” But, to be honest, one site I'm particularly proud of is when we managed to "exactly" replicate a scene with Sam and Frodo from the 2^nd film.

Another quite unique visit was our visit to a town called Paradise. Apparently there is a town in Norway called Hell.

That night was a very big night. It was the night before half our bus was due to head south, while the rest (including myself) would stay another day before heading back north. Some very strong friendships had been formed on that bus, and everybody was going to be very sad to split up. As a result, just to prolong the inevitable, myself, Lukas, Tannith, Barry, Caroline and Jess decided to stay up all night until their bus left at 7. The highlight of which was when Lukas got so drunk that he decided to fully grasp Kiwi tradition with both hands by celebrating Mo-vember (an annual charity dare held in November) by having his head shaved, leaving just a fluffy Mo-hekan like a ferret on top of his head.

Puzzle World

Today was Puzzle World. The most gruelling, sophisticated and misleading maze to ever be build by man. Or so it felt. It was a wooden maze, just below my head in height and in the four corners were four towers; red, yellow, green and blue. You had to reach each tower in turn, but the maze was designed so that walking in the direction of a tower was the least likely action to get you there successfully. However, upon reaching a tower, that was your golden opportunity to scout out your next route from above. In all I believe we successfully managed to reach the final tower in just under 45 minutes. Unfortunately it was the full hour and ten before we managed to retrace our steps and find our way back out again.

I'm glad we did Puzzle World because it allowed me to divert my thoughts away from the planned activity for the afternoon. Good ol' Noddy, our bus driver, had signed me up to a 47m bungee jump. This may not seem a big deal to a lot of people, but anyone who knows me will know that I am terrified of heights, to the extent that I will constantly lean firmly against the wall when stood at any kind of height. So this was a big deal for me. In the end what convinced me to do it was firstly that Noddy would never have let me live it down if I bailed out, but secondly that it was directly over a river canyon, so I could pretend I was just doing a big dive into a pool. It was also the world's first ever commercial bungee jump location and therefore a not-to-miss experience.

As I sat on a ledge overhanging the canyon, a man was casually wrapping a towel-like cloth around my ankles, while asking how much of my upper body I would like to have submerged when the bungee is fully extended and I reach the river below. Apparently it's more of a rough science, so as he clipped on one end of the bungee to the towel-like cloth, I suggested that I didn't really fancy getting wet today. He then helped me up and pointed to the end of the board. After managing to shuffle forward, my feet firmly tied together, my toes over the edge, he said: “look forward, don't look down and when you're ready, stretch out your arms and leap as far forward as you can.” So I did.

Afterwards we went to Queenstown, and I spent the whole evening telling everybody how amazing it was and how I'd do it again a million times over. Whether that's true, well that's another story.

Noddy's fact of the day:

Haast Eagles had 3m wing span and ate the Mori Ori people. When the Mori Ori people started to defend themselves they killed these eagles and made them extinct. The Mauri (the current natives) then arrived, cannibals at this period and ate all the Mori Ori.